I have had it! A declaration of FREEDOM!!!!!

Recently I paused for a moment in my “busy” life, and I asked myself, “What am I doing?” I looked around my crowded abode, and I could not understand how things had gotten so out of control.

In our society, we are programmed to want. We want money, a prestigious job, the newest gadgets (Yes I know I was the worst on that front), the greatest car, you name it. What all that boils down to, is that what we really want is for everyone else to think we are important. By having all these things, by rushing around like a mad person in our swanky cars, we appear to be, somehow, more vital. However, this is not usually the truth. This is just a mind game we play with ourselves, and truth be told, everyone might see you as more important if you have all those things, but it will not change how you really see yourself.

That is what I came to realize. All this time I had been striving to climb that corporate ladder, and when I searched for my real motivation, I discovered that I did not really know or understand it at all. I was trying to show the world that I was OK, that I was just as valid as everyone else. That realization floored me. How could I think so little of myself?

For it is not my job, car, or clothes that define who I am, and they definitely do not define who I want to be. I honestly asked myself, when I look back at my life, what do I want to see. I realized that none of those ideals and goals I had for what I considered success, even made the cut. I was not living MY life; I was living the life I thought I was supposed to be living. That ends now.

The fact is; I am tired of playing this game. I do not care if you make more money than I do, and have a Lexus and a 3000 sq foot home in Great Falls. Acquiring things will no longer be my motor. Instead, I plan to achieve the ideals to which I have always wanted to aspire. I want to slice away the unnecessary excess and release myself from the bonds of avarice. I no longer need things to define who I am.

In the past, I based my worth on outside validation at work, etc. I believe this revelation about my life came from a recent hiccup in my upward climb in the corporate world. I hit a wall, maybe two, and it shredded me. It was then I realized why all this crap kept happening to me, and how I could get it to stop. The things that kept falling in my path were a message that I was doing it all wrong and for all the wrong reasons. I had to stop looking to the outside world to validate my life and me.

You might ask yourself, “How does she plan to accomplish this task?” Well, nosey, I will tell you. I have decided to take up a practice called Voluntary Simplicity. This “movement” is not easily definable. It means different things to different people. There are varying degrees of voluntary simplicity. One definition that I think encompasses it best for me is, a lifestyle characterized by minimizing the 'more-is-better' pursuit of wealth and consumption. Adherents may choose simple living for a variety of personal reasons, such as spirituality, health, increase in 'quality time' for family and friends, stress reduction, personal taste or frugality. I would also add environmental impact to that list.

Very soon, I will be ridding myself of the burden of excessive possessions at the Reston Association annual garage sale. I think I will find this endeavor liberating and satisfying on many levels. I no longer wish to receive physical gifts, for any occasion. I think a gift card to Target for every day needs, or a donation in my name, would be more appropriate. I am not saying you have to buy me gifts, this is just on the off chance, you feel like doing so.

There is only one item I am pining for right now, and that is a professional grade camera. I have taken up hobbies again, such as photography, this will be the first time I have done so in many years. It is exciting to want to enrich my life with activities not work related. For so long my self esteem had been wrapped up in work, well no more.

I have always wanted to do my part to improve the world, so I am returning to a love I had not seen in a while, volunteering. I occasionally volunteer at an animal sanctuary in Maryland, and I will be helping the feline rescue group where I adopted my sweet little furry babies (Feline Network in Springfield). It feels good to have a positive influence on this world we currently inhabit. It feels like coming home…. Maybe you wish to join me on this quest, and maybe not, I will keep a warm seat by the fire for you when you are ready.

The Final Exam

Finally the time has come to face the fear I had been avoiding for two whole years. I figured if I never brought it in the house, I would be safe, but I always knew I would need to stare this demon in the eye and let him know that I was no longer his bitch.

You may ask, to what I am referring? Meat. Now do not get upset, I am not talking of eating the meat. Do not get ahead of me, it is rude. For the past 2+ years I have successfully stayed on the wagon; neither stumbled, nor faltered. It is the result of a lifetime of trying.

Strangely enough, even though I still crave it terribly, I have only had a handful of incidents where my flesh sobriety had been seriously in danger. I continued to make Noah meat based dishes, within reason, but never tackled my drug of choice.

Tonight this will change. Already I can smell the tender roast cooking in the oven, but I feel okay. I think I can endure this "torture." This IS to be the final test to see if my convictions stand strong. If I can make it through with out giving into the temptation, I will have jumped the final hurdle.

If this seems like I am making more of this than I should. You would be very mistaken. Red meat, and shell fish were my biggest vice. So wish me well, loyal readers. Let me rise tomorrow truly free of my addiction to flesh. ;-)

What a Mess!!!

Okay, it is time to get back to what I do best, ranting.

I am positively sick to death of hearing about the Israeli crisis. Everyone has an opinion, and most opinions are valid, but logic rarely figures into these opinions at all. It is infuriating.

I am so done with the media blathering on about the big bad Israelis beating up on the pathetic and defenseless Palestinians. Stand back from your own opinions for a moment, and look at this objectively. The Palestinians are not defenseless; they just lack the skill, and military brains the Israelis have. They ARE shooting like 30 rockets into civilian territory, the fact that they aren’t able to hit more of their desired targets and kill more people, only shows what bumbling idiots they are. What would ANY other country do if a neighbor started shooting rockets at their denizens? What would we do? If Canada started bombarding our cities, I can tell you that we would not just roll over and let them defile us.

I am very sure that Israel knows this will hurt their image, but they cannot let another group of people murder their innocent. Asking them not to defend themselves is asinine. If I were Prime minister, I might have done it differently, sure. Israel has an amazing military, capable of great stealth. I would have sent several stealth teams in at night to kill the Hamas thugs quietly. It would be more likely to get only the intended targets, less likely to have civilian casualties.

On every news channel all they seem to talk about is the Israeli bullies. I would be very interested to hear one of these commentators give one reasonable suggestion of what Israel should do instead of trashing them to the public. Israel must defend its people. If you do not like it, what effective method could you suggest?

I know this point of view may not be PC, but we do not live in a PC and peaceful world. How I wish we did. The fact is, you cannot reason with terrorists. This conflict will not end anytime soon, if at all. If people could look at an issue with a logical mind, conflict would cease. But humans are not that good at disconnecting their emotions from their perception. For this reason, we will most likely always have strife and misunderstanding. Yet I hope…

Tassimo's Away!!!!!

Well, for Christmukah this year, Noah and I received a giftcard that enabled me to get a Tassimo single cup brewer. Let me say this is a fantastical device.

The last two years have been spent drooling at Linen's 'n Things with visions of lattes dancing in my head. There was always some bill, some reason I could not make the "minor" investment in the object of my desire. Finally that cycle has come to an end.

So you may ask (or not, but I will tell you anyway), why did she want the Tassimo and not Keurig or some other single cup coffee brewer/espresso machine/tea maker/hot chocolate device? Well, for one, I had tried it before when they were sampling at the Target, and second, they carry one of my favorite coffees, Kenco.

This coffee, normally impossible to get here in the States, is an import from the good Ol' UK. I tried it when I went to London back in 2001. The most amazing thing is the coffee is INSTANT. I had sworn off American instant years ago because it is vile. This coffee did not taste like instant. It was full bodied and smooth, an absolute perfect cup.

The one problem I encountered, is that importing it into the US was more difficult than smuggling a sex slave who ingested over five grams of heroin as a mule. Then the Tassimo brewer was released. All I did was wish for one. Now I finally have one.

Tonight I christened it, her name is Oh My God, cause I kept saying that over and over. The latte was more like a cafe au lait, but it was a perfect cafe au lait. I have to say that her most impressive feature is the way in which she knows what the drink is, and therefore, how much hot water to dispense.

The coffee, and other beverage making materials, come in something called a T-disc that has a bar code on the top. When you place the disc in the machine, it reads the bar code and dispenses the right amount of water. Man I wish all things worked that perfectly.

It may be endorphin related joy, and it may not last, but for now.... all is right in the world. Thank you Oh My God.

And Baby Makes....Too Damn Many

Ok, I need to start off this blog entry with a disclaimer (So bear with me). If you are the type of person who coos over babies, thinks parenthood is the greatest aspiration in life, or you have already picked out the nursery room in your over-mortgaged house, this may not be the best piece of writing for you to read.

I will not be in any way glorifying motherhood, or claiming that it is the gateway to heaven. If anything, this entry will be doing the opposite. I am sorry if this offends the gentle readers of my auspicious blog, I do apologize. This is, as most of the entries on my blog are, a rant.

I was perusing through the TV line-up a couple of weeks ago, when I noticed a show listed called Jon & Kate Plus 8. I was intrigued so I read further. This “reality” TV show is about a husband and wife who wanted children, but was afraid they would not be able to conceive since she was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I can relate, I have it too. Anyway, they had fertility treatments, and voilá, they have twins.

Before these said twins turn one, Mom is already drooling for one more, claiming that she wanted to know what it felt like to not have to split her time between two babies. I do not know about you, but I think by having another child, she will have three children to take up her time.

This leads me to one of my points and questions. Just because you can, should you?

Why is our ability to breed directly fanning the flames of our self esteem as women? If a woman is unable to reproduce, she automatically feels that she is somehow lacking as a woman, that she must be defective in some way.

I am so tired of those parents who act like just because they have the ability to mate, and produce children from said mating ritual, that somehow they have set aside a spot at the holy table. Here is a tip, ladies, you are built to produce children, no different than any other animal on the planet. What is amazing is a woman who welcomes a strange child into her home to love and care for, yet they are not related. That requires true virtue of spirit.

I know that this opinion of mine will not be popular. If one mentions a feeling of this nature, even those women who do not want or care for children race to defend procreation. Do not misunderstand me. I DO NOT hate children, or the idea of having some of my own. I merely get annoyed with the Mothers who think this act defines them, and provides them with extra privileges in this life and the next. If and when I have children, that will not be my school of thought.

To return to Kate. Since she wanted to try for one more baby, she went back on the meds, and hence had sextuplets. Now she has eight children to split her time. For this reason alone, she now has her own show.

I have two words taken from the great Charlie Brown for that, Good Grief!

What to wear... The Story of a Doc Wearing Fiend

OK, so I admit it, sometimes you will catch me watching How Do I Look on the Style Network. I enjoy it, but every time I watch it I have all kinds of conflicting feelings about the show. I mean, I enjoy seeing all these "ugly ducklings" transform into swans, and yet part of me screams in outrage over the fact that this show has once again bludgeoned a once unique individual into conformity.

I often wonder which is better. On one hand, they kind of want the make over. That really is not the question. The question is why they want the makeover. Are they stuck in some kind of fashion rut and know it, or do they feel pressured by those around them to tone down what society cannot handle, someone who does not meld with the herd.

I myself have this issue all the time. People constantly telling me, "your clothes are too big, you need smaller clothes!" Truthfully, why can't they mind their own business. There is a reason my clothes are in various states of fit. My weight fluctuates, therefore causes me to buy new clothes, then need the old ones again when I gain some back. It is not a situation I am totally pleased with, but if my comfort is hurting your eyes, well tough noogies. I am more concerned with the issue behind the ever changing size than whether or not my wardrobe meets with your boxed in view of fashion. Sorry, off on a rant there. Did not mean to veer off the path (Yet that is somehow appropriate for this blog entry).

On Sunday I went to the mall to enjoy some of the Birthday gift cards I received (Yay me). Normally I would look everything over before committing to a purchase, but that did not happen this time. I somehow ended up in the Brass Plum in Nordstrom, like I am a 15 year old girl. There it was, across a not so crowded room. They called to me, and I whimpered back.

Hanging from the sales rack was a solitary hot pink patent something Dr. Martin (the fabric was synthetic, but not certain what). That 15 year old girl in me started to sing. I looked at the lonely shoe, missing his sister who was being held hostage in the stock room, and knew these shoes were mine.

I thought over and over again, people will laugh at me. Docs are so Grunge scene, but I did not care. I love them! I LOVE Docs, so there Style Network. I refuse to be boxed into a homogenized wardrobe so I fit in your test tube little world. I buy not that it will somehow make me a better person, just a more malleable one.

Now when I watch How Do I Look, all I feel is kind of sad. What was once a person that was a unique stamp on the world, has now been blended like charcoal pencil or pastels, and can no longer be distinguished from the other marks on the canvas.

I, for one, plan to always wear my hot pink Docs...

Time and Space

OK, this is just a thought that has been swirling around in my head the last week, sorry for inflicting it upon you my humble readers.

You know how you can technically be aware of a fact, but never really think about what it means? One day, as you are falling to sleep, it hits you, and it feels so profound. Of course, when you tell someone, they look at you like "Hello? Is your village missing their idiot?"

I have discovered there is a difference between knowing a fact, and really understanding this fact. Most people would say they understand certain facts, but in reality, they never feel them, visualize them. When this happens, something that you knew becomes so real to you. For those who do not get my meaning, I am sorry. I am often told I could use an interpreter.

The other night, as I was falling asleep, of course, the idea of time being a human contruct finally really sunk in. Time as we know it is as real as daylight savings time. There actually may be a real time out there, but we are not following those rules. For example, time zones. It is 3 hours earlier in California, but it really isn't. To the earth, the time is exactly the same regardless of the position of the sun. This is simply how we percieve day and night. If we were to judge time fairly, we would have to alter what time means in each timezone. For example, where the sun is positioned in California would not dictate the time there. When it is 8pm here on the east coast, it may be dark, but there 8pm would always be some degree of sunny. That is REAL time.

I have always said we shape our realities based on our perceptions, this only fortifies my belief of that. OK, I am done. I should go back to my village now, they miss me.